How I Subconsciously Blocked Joy and Happiness from Coming into my Life
Hey there, gorgeous!
If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I’ve spent the past several months rethinking and revamping my coaching business.
As I make this transition from business coaching for aspiring women entrepreneurs to relationship coaching for smart, successful, single women in their 30’s, I think it’s important to share the following story...
Warning: this is deeply personal and may be triggering for some people.
One of my biz besties is also highly successful dating and relationship coach. She is anatural man magnet and flirting master. Men flock to her whether she’s sweating in her yoga pants or looking like a million bucks sipping a cocktail at a fabulous restaurant.AND, men will often ignore me completely when in her presence.
Since I’m very quite confident and secure in myself, I’ve found this dynamic to be highly entertaining.
I love watching my friend flirt with men - she’s so good at it and while she enjoys the male attention, she’s mostly enjoying herself and her own company. She comes alive and it’s a beautiful thing to watch. I’ve also learned quite a bit from her, so seeing her in action is very educational for me!
The other day, I was chilling out with a wonderful, new male friend of mine who remarked that I was “guarded”. I was surprised to hear this at first. I’ve always felt like I was an open book.
However, when I thought about it, I realized that he has opened up to me quite a bit in the past few weeks - much more than I have with him.
Why am I finding it hard to open up and make myself vulnerable? It could be that I fell in love with someone around the same time last year and it didn’t work out and now I’m extra cautious. That’s definitely part of it.
Yet, having another lunch with my very “magnetic” friend made me realize something: she’s always warm and friendly from the start with any man whether he’s waiting on our table at a restaurant or taking her out on a first date. In contrast, the energy I give off at first often feels like “porcupine needles” or protective spikes to keep men at a distance until I know I’m safe.
I’m guarded because there is a part of me that feels that men need to prove they’re not a predatory creep before I let them see my soft, feminine side.
I love men. I have many male friends and have dated a lot of wonderful guys over the years. So why am I a “prickly porcupine” at first?
Unfortunately, like many men and women, I was sexually abused as a child. I wasabused multiple times by people employed by my parents to watch over me and in my own home.
I consider myself to be a well-educated and well-informed person. I knew that what happened to me was a violation and wrong, but I also knew that it happened a lot.
Somehow, this led to my believing that because this is unfortunately a common occurrence, I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it. “This happens to everyone,” I told myself, “so I don’t need to make a big deal about this. I just need to move on.
I suppressed the memories of these experiences as much as I could. Fortunately, at spiritual entrepreneurs’ workshop in New York City in the Fall of 2014, I had a major breakthrough in my healing.
At this very special 2 ½ day workshop hosted by Gabby Bernstein, the “Spirit Junkie Masterclass”, we started with some “shadow work” to release emotional blocks and move any energy that was stuck in our bodies.
Gabby led a powerful visualization exercise that revealed that the energy of my sexual trauma was stuck inside of my body as a large piece of sharp, black plastic inside my womb.
Everything became so clear. I had been “playing small” in my life because I subconsciously believed that “playing big” would literally kill me. It wasn’t safe to “play big” in my professional life or my personal life.
Deep down I feared that if I made any big movements, that is, if I even attempted to enjoy any success and happiness in my life, this piece of black plastic would either 1) crinkle up and make noise, outing me as “just another sad victim” orsomeone who had invited the abuse or 2) shred my womb with its sharp edges and cause me to bleed to death.
I was filled with guilt, shame, and fear - extremely low vibrational emotions. I, in turn,attracted men who were vibrating at a similar frequency. I was attracting friends at this frequency as well.
I was intentionally choosing to date men that weren’t emotionally available so I wouldn’t have to reveal myself.
Thankfully, I dissolved this deadly piece of black plastic during the guided meditation at Gabby’s event. However, it was only the beginning of my healing process.
I am still working to release this block, but awareness is always the first step.
We all have a unique, divine, creative purpose in this life and happiness is our natural state. We are so powerful.
If you’re not experiencing creative fulfillment or harmonious and meaningful relationships in your life, I guarantee that you are doing something unconsciously to block these things from coming into your life. We are all that powerful.
If you’re ready to explore what’s blocking you from experiencing joy and happiness in all areas of your life - especially in your relationships, I warmly invite you to book a FREE 30-Minute coaching session with me here.
I hope this serves you.
All my love and gratitude,
P.S. Are you following me on Instagram yet? Join the party here.
P.P.S. If you’re a fabulous, high-achieving, single woman between the ages of 27 and 40, would you please fill out this survey for me? I’m doing some market research on how I can best help you achieve your goals for the year, especially when it comes to your personal relationships. Thanks in advance! Here is the link to the survey: https://goo.gl/forms/9rvjp